All of your favourites in miniature!
by Jessica Holmes
Summary: After the events of Advent Children, all is calm in Tifa's bar that night. That is until Reno and Cloud have a mishap with Transform materia...Just a bit of fun to digest with a soft drink. T rating for minute hints at bad language and it aint Reno.


Reno…

He was going to kill him.

He was going to rip out every bit of that stupid red mullet of his and throw him into a wall.

Next chance he got.

Well he couldn't very well do it _now_…

Still glaring angrily at everything in the room as if it were his mortal enemy, Cloud Strife banged his little feet as hard as he could on the wooden floorboards of Tifa's bar as he walked. He had been carrying on his temper tantrum for quite some time now, unwilling to admit defeat. So acting the big man that he was, he had taken to stomping around the deserted bar in a sulk.

He wouldn't go upstairs and ask for help.

He wouldn't.

_No, you could just make an impossible death defying leap onto the top of Tifa's wardrobe and get that materia you need instead, because that would obviously be a better idea…_

Cloud narrowed his eyes at his sub-conscious.

_Idiot._

He wasn't even in the mood to start a fight with that right now. He was gunning for that lanky runt that he would castrate next time he sauntered in. He didn't know where the man had slinked off to, but he would be getting his own back once he dared to return.

_Oh go on…jump him. Go find him now, I'd love to see you try to even get up to his shins before he flicks you through the window and kills you._

Cloud glared upwards, his eyes almost rolling out of sight as if he were actually trying to glare at his own sub-conscious.

_You could always bite him in the ankle?_

Needless to say it didn't work so he decided to finally give in to the taunts and do the only smart thing available to him – get Tifa.

Determined, he marched up to the steps and lifted his leg out of habit to plant his foot on the first one.

His boot barely kicked halfway up into the large wooden step.

_That was clever._

"Look, I'm trying."

Cloud sighed and closed his eyes. He was talking to himself.

As if being seven inches tall wasn't a bad enough predicament. Now he was turning into a male version of Yuffie. She had a habit of talking things through with herself; call it the habit of an only child.

_If you turn into that Prozac banshee I'll strike up a chainsaw in here. Heck I'd even settle for that necrophiliac instead of her._

Cloud groaned and rubbed his temples.

He didn't know how or why his sub-conscious had figured Vincent Valentine to be partial to necrophilia but Cloud was getting frustrated and increasingly sickened by it.

_I'm telling you. Years in a box with corpses for company? Come on! The way he stares at Banshee and chest is clue enough he's constantly on heat._

Cloud glared again as he tried to clamber up onto the first step. That was another pet name he loathed even more – 'chest'. It was an improvement from the old ones it used for a certain friend of his when he had been in puberty though. They should never be said out loud…

_You've gone frigid._

Cloud finally got his weak tiny arms on the top of the step.

'Success!' cloud thought temporarily.

'No – wait –'

Thump.

Cloud sat on the wooden floor in silence. This wasn't going very well. And what's more, he had another fourteen stairs to attempt, and that was before he had to open Tifa's door.

_Ohh how I hate you…_

* * *

Bang. Thump. 

Bang………Thump.

Bang!……………………Thump.

Cloud swore under his breath. The doorknob - what a stupid invention. He had been jumping up as high as he could to try and get to it but there was no luck. He just banged against the door, throwing himself up against it as he tried to grab onto the doorknob. But every time he just slid back down – or just plain fell – to the ground.

There was no real chance of him getting anywhere, and he was soon to face the problem of Yuffie finding a pint-sized Cloud to play with.

'Oh God…'

In panic, Cloud started pounding on the door in front of him in desperation, which barely sounded like a dull repetitive thudding.

He kept it up however, because every time he felt himself losing momentum, he would chance a look over at the room door where the kids and Yuffie resided and his vigour would miraculously be restored.

Suddenly a door banged open and Cloud froze in terrified shock. Flattening himself against the wall beside Tifa's door, he prayed he wouldn't be detected in the dark hallway.

Hard footsteps thudded toward him,causing him to hopoff of the ground at every step.

Tifa's door was suddenly opened and Cloud's eyes lit up.

"Teef – What in the hell have you got goin' on in here?"

It was Barrett. Cloud, now half way through the open doorway stopped still. One step from that man and he'd be splattered against the carpet. Or, failing that, the big man would no doubt slam the door on him.

The sound of Tifa groaning gently as she awoke caught both her visitor's attention.

"Huh? Oh hello Barrett." She greeted with a smile.

"Hello? That's it? You mean you aren't banging the shit out of your door yourself?"

Tifa looked confused in response.

All the while, Cloud was desperately trying to sneak past the looming tower of Barrett Wallace undetected.

" - The hell?"

Cloud froze.

"Huh..." The large man scratched his head as he tried to make sense of the situation but could only draw a blank.

Breathing easily again, Cloud finally made it into the room, unnoticed.

"Ah screw it. Must have been a bird going at your window or sumthin' I dunno. Night." He mumbled his words as if speaking to himself instead of the brunette, and slowly closed the door behind him.

Cloud waited until the floor stopped shaking and the sounds of footsteps faded away.

Sighing in relief he looked up at Tifa where she now lay trying to get to sleep once again.

"Aye Carumba! Look at those things!"

Cloud blinked.

"From this size, I have to say I have a whole new respect for her anatomy."

_Do-n't say you weren't thinking it._

The miniature form of Cloud Strife whirred around, his sword raised in reflex.

"Aw hey Spikey." Another voice spoke up, adding a casual wave as he unashamedly stared above him.

"Reno." Cloud narrowed his eyes and his gloved hands tightened around the hilt of his sword. The crafty Turk had followed him. There was a small consolation in the fact though, it appeared that cloud's last minute retaliation earlier had worked; Reno was just as small and useless asCloud currently was.

The redhead wasn'tinterested in the small threat in front of him however. He had bigger things to attend to. Literally. With a smirk on his face he walked forward clearing his throat as if to gain the attention of the woman resting above him.

Cloud watched, standing in his fighting stance ready to commence battle. He was trying to look threatening to the arrogant Turk, to put him off of Tifa.Apointless attempt really,seen as a pint-sized Cloud looked about as threatening as one of Tifa's slippers.

"Leave her alone Reno, back off."

The Turk grudgingly tore his gaze from the Lady and finally closed his gaping mouth. "Aw come on buddy, don't be so up-tight. It's not like you can do much to me with your toothpick." He added with a grin, and then thumbed over his shoulder at Tifa. "Learn to share. It's not like there isn't enough of her to go around." He winked.

That did it.

Cloud ran forward, roaring a battle yell as he gunned for Reno.

Eyes widening, Reno quickly leaped out of the way and straight into the bottom panel of the bed.

"Ow! Jeez…now I've got to watch out for furniture as a threat? Oh please." Dusting his little suit off, Reno looked round a bit too calmly and almost lost his head to Cloud's 'toothpick'.

"Right!Fine! I've tried to play nice but you're way too uptight for your own good Blondie." Finally, he pulled out an all too familiar nightstick and gave it one forceful shake to extend it.

His electric aquamarine eyes glinted. "Let's play."

Sword clashed with rod. Electric sparks shot off from the many impacts like minute sparklers. Unknown to the display they were making, the quiet tinkling noises coming from the so-called ferocious battle stirred someone close-by.

Cloud got his strike in first, as expected by the Turk. Reno yelped in pain as the silver blade caught his arm, ripping a slice through his jacket, shirt and skin in one fell swoop. Gritting his teeth, Reno pushed forward, igniting the power of his weapon against the swordsman.

The seemingly harmless objects littering the carpeted floor of Tifa's room became difficult obstacles for the two men who battled around them. A stray ball of materia proved the biggest hassle, when Reno stumbled back into it, causing both fighters to stop their battle just so they could run away from the rolling boulder before it flattened them.

And then there were the carpet burns.

"Argh! For Hyne's sake, give it up! I'm sorry okay!" Reno shouted, waving his arms at the ever-persistent swordsman to make him back off. Picking himself up, Reno gingerly touched his cheek and winced in pain. He had skidded along the surface of the matted floor in the wake of one of Cloud's attacks, and had been left with a burning sensation that felt like a flare spell had smacked him in the face.

Cloud still stood as determined as ever in front of the Turk, eyes glaring with bitterness.

He himself had endured a couple of cheap shots from Reno that had given him a rather uncomfortable electric jolt. And he wasn't going to let the Turk off now.

"Get up." He warned.

"Wha -? Aw great. Still sulking." Reno muttered as he got to his feet. Readying his weapon once more, he wiped the blood from a split lip (the result of an encounter with the bed post) and got into his fighting stance once more.

But just before the two came to blows again, they miraculously found themselves suspended in mid-air.

Arms and legs flailing about wildly as they still tried to go at each other, a voice interrupted.

"Cloud?"

Both men stopped suddenly and looked over their shoulders to the side.

And there she was. Sleepy, dishevelled and confused, but still as captivating to the two people in front of her as she had ever been.

Cloud blinked up at her. And she couldn't help but chuckle softly at the sight of the two pests she had just caught red-handed causing mischief.

"Need I ask what happened?"

"_He _did it – "

"_He_ did it –"

Cloud and Reno both turned on each other and glared.

"The hell I did it! Not my fault you got pissy and did it back before I could transform you again!"

"There! See?You idiot, you just admitted it yourself. _You_ did it."

"_First _yeah, but don't act like you're the innocent one. If you hadn't have done it back we wouldn't be in this mess."

"Why were you fighting?" Tifa enquired, but went unnoticed as the two unusually quiet sounding voices bickered.

"I have magic-counterequipped! How was i supposed to guess you'd be stupid enough to ever use mini on me?"

"Aw go to hell midget."

"Midget? Look at yourself!"

"Ah but I still have some dignity though. You on the other hand can just add this to your list of 'mishaps' right after cross-dressing."

Cloud's eyes narrowed.

"You're just Rufus Shinra's lapdog and nothing else."

_Is that the best you could come up with? Let me handle this. Tell him what a useless piece of sh -_

"Oh yeah? Well you're a god damn delivery boy!"

_Mother fu -_

"Runt."

"Loser."

"Turk"

" - _Virgin_."

_Son of a b -!_

Tifa had to move her head back and extend her arms for safety as the two men suddenly went at it again.

"Right that's enough! Both of you!"

But they didn't stop. Cloud tried, looking at Tifa apologetically right before Reno struck him on the back of the head which set them off again.

"I mean it! Give it a rest!" Now irritated, Tifa had no choice (or patience) and shook both figures violently.

Blinking her eyes open again she almost felt guilty seeing them both dangle there helplessly. Cloud looked like he was about to throw up, while Reno clutched his head groaning.

"Right, that's better. Sorry but, you two were getting too carried away." Tifa said with a sheepish smile.

"Is that it now. Finished?"

Silence.

Tifa perked an eyebrow expectantly.

Cloud nodded. After a sigh, Reno followed suit.

"Okay now say sorry."

Both pairs of eyes jerked up in surprise.

"I mean it. We won't get anywhere if you two keep at each others throats when I turn my back."

More silence.

"Cloud…"

Cloud slumped his shoulders in defeat and muttered through gritted teeth, "Sorry."

"Now you Reno."

Nothing.

"Reno?"

………..Bzzzzt!

"Reno!"

"Heh heh, sorry Baby, couldn't resist."

Cloud shook his head in dizziness, his limbs having spasms in the after shocks.

Frowning, Tifa marched over to her chest of drawers and set Cloud on top carefully.

"Sorry girl, Really. There I said it. Now how do you say we kiss and make up huh? – Hey!"

Yanking a drawer open, Tifa threw Reno inside and slammed it shut.

"Heeeey!"

Tifa shook her head as Reno banged repeatedly on the inside. "Tifa! What did I do? Come on…lemme out! I'll be nice. Promise! Hey! Tifa!"

Rolling her eyes, Tifa scooped Cloud up and carried him over to her bed. Sitting him down she sat beside him, the muffled sounds of Reno simply getting lost in the background.

She watched him as he groggily sat up, his tiny fist grabbing a handful of the bed sheet, his other hand rubbing his forehead.

"Now, what happened?"

Cloud looked up and blinked.

Tifa couldn't help but smile at how vulnerable he looked. She should have restored him to his natural size by now but he was too adorable to let go of just yet.

An almost inaudible sigh came from him and he shook his head.

"_He_ happened. I was locking up when he barged in. I tried to get rid of him. Then he attacked me with that pathetic spell and I barely had time to counter – "

"Cloud…?"

He looked up.

"What did you say to him?"

Cloud furrowed his brow in confusion.

"You must have said something to provoke him. You two don't exactly get on, but you don't go around fighting each other either."

Cloud got to his feet in protest. "He started it! He was going on about how he was going to march on up here and see you. I told him to back off, but he said you two had 'plans'. What the heck else was I supposed to do? Let him?"

Tifa laughed slightly to herself and Cloud just blinked at her in confusion.

"Oh Cloud…thank you but, did you really think he meant that?" Her big brown eyes softened into an affectionate glance. "We had no such plans. He was trying to wind you up because it amuses him, and I guess I must be one of your buttons to press that works best." She smiled.

And Cloud felt as small as he was.

"….Oh."

Her light laughter sounded again and he warmed inside. She always did that to him when she was happy.

"Now let's get you fixed up." She said, rising. "As cute as you are, it would be cruel to keep you on my window ledge as my favourite toy, so I'll get right to finding that Transform materia."

Cloud sighed and sat down again. He felt like an idiot because of letting Reno get at him so quickly. But being seven inches tall only made him feel even more stupid.

_Look at us. Just look at us! What good are we to 'chest' if we're this small? You're never getting any if you can't even size up to one of her –_

Cloud balled a fist in anger.

_- Feet._

"Ah here it is…" Turning back around, Tifa made her way to the bed once more and sat down. Looking from the glowing green orb in her palm to Cloud's little expectant face she couldn't help but smile.

"Aw…I don't want to." She said, pulling the orb back to her protectively.

Cloud's face fell.

But then a small smirk found it's way on his face. If she didn't want to change him, he'd have to make her.

Standing up he walked up to her and stopped, craning his neck to look up at her. Then, suddenly, he hopped up onto her thigh.

_What are you planning now dimwit? Gonna jump in her shirt and wriggle about? Hell, go on then!_

She perked her eyebrow at him again and he had the hints of a smile tugging on his tiny lips.

"Cloud what are you - ?"

The he did it. He reached out and prodded her side.

Instantly she jerked up in surprise, a giggle escaping her throat. Looking down at him again she realised his plan and her eyes widened. "Oh – no Cloud, no I'll turn you back I – Ah!"

He did it again then hopped off of her thigh and ran around her back so he could attack her other side with his hands.

Laughing, Tifa wrapped her arms around her middle and tried to guard her ticklish areas. But she quickly learned that a very small sized Cloud could easily get in between her fingers.

"Haha! Stop Cloud. Stop! Alright! You win, you win!" More beautiful laughter escaped her until Cloud stopped running and skidded to a halt in front of her. There was definitely a smirk plain on his face now.

Putting one fist on his hip, he pointed his other hand at the green orb at the side of her.

Smiling warmly at him she nodded and finally picked it up.

Cloud sat down beside her and she shuffled over, trying to guess how much room a full sized Cloud would need when he made an appearance again. Finally satisfied, she sat still a way away from him and concentrated on the spell she was about to cast.

Cloud closed his eyes when it happened. He tried to keep calm as every part of him gradually grew back into its rightful size. But along with it, his newly acquired injuries grew too. With a grunt, he clenched his teeth together and tried to ignore the pain as the burned skin stretched.

But luckily, the growth process didn't last much longer and Cloud felt the green glow around him let go and fade away.

Finally he opened his eyes.

And she was as accessible as he wanted her to be again.

Breaking their eye contact, Tifa glanced over at the drawer Reno was sitting in.

But her gaze was brought back to Cloud when she felt his gloved fingertips softly pinch her chin and move her to face him. "No. Let's give him some time to cool off." He said, his masculine voice sending shivers down her spine now it had returned to him.

With a mischievous smile to match his own, Cloud saw Tifa instantly look like she was agreeing to the idea.

"Well you can deal with him in the morning. I'm having nothing more to do with this." She said, still smiling as she gave him a nudge. He took the hint and stood up. With a nod to her he walked over to her door and paused when he reached Reno's new hiding place.

Fighting another smirk, Cloud barely kept a straight face as he tapped teasingly on the drawer. Reno was up like a shot banging on it.

"Hey you came back! I knew you always liked me – "

Cloud cut him off by suddenly thumping the front of the drawer. He heard Reno fall back from the impact and he leaned down to speak to him.

"You be quiet in there. Or I'll dump a mini Yuffie in here as you're room mate for the night."

Pausing a moment to listen for any noise, Cloud stood to his full height again, satisfied with Reno's newfound silence and pulled Tifa's door open. Pausing, he chanced a last look back to her. She was sliding her legs carefully under her sheets once more but stopped when she realised he was looking. Slightly embarrassed to be under his gaze while dressed in shorts and a small tank top she brushed a lock of hair behind her ear and smiled shyly at him.

Cloud couldn't help but smile back.

"Goodnight Tifa."

"Goodnight Cloud."

With one last look, he closed the door with a quiet click.

_What the hell are you doing? Get back in there!_

Silence.

_Come onnn!_

"……"

_I don't like you._

* * *

Hi all. You can blame Raven Cactuar for this! Her fic 'Touch me' gave me the idea of Cloud getting in a bind like this. Well all I can say is I hoped you enjoyed this, because I had a blast writing it! Please oh please let me know what you think. This is my first (and probably only) attempt at a humor fic. I am really scared you'll laugh at me instead of the fic so please please just leave me a little word to say your thoughts. 

And I FINALLY GOT MY HANDS ON AN ADVENT CHILDREN DVD. Boy am I going to be writing about the aftermath of that. Wow...but one thing - Why is Cait scottish! That accent is cool in real life, but it really made me cringe in the film. What did you guys think?

Xx Jessie xX


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